My old computer was verboten for a reason...
Sitting alone, for the most part. Weeping for the past. I have to finalize divorce proceedings or something to the fact. Some ultimatum came in the mail about like possible court getting involved for whatever or something. Fucked if I know. Fucking I swear I'm the only one that believes in dedicating your life to someone. No cop outs, no excuses?

I hooked up my old comp, and it was on, cause i was watching something, and I started picking through directories of stuff to see where all the crazy places I stored mp3s and videos, and pictures were found. Old pictures, of the 2nd Seattle apartment, and pictures of her. Its really sad, because, i look at those pictures, and I still see my wife. Thats what I see. I dont see a person, I see THE person.

Its something that I still havent let go, and am probably too set in my ways to let go. I mean, I made a promise to someone. If you know me, I dont make promises. I use the words "theoretically" and "maybe". But I didnt to her. I said, I'd be with her. And that still sticks in my heart. Even to the fact, that I was with someone else, and I care for her. But I ruined that stuff, because I still am part of Kim. And that makes me broken, and at the same time, a terrible person.

But she wants her divorce, her "sinful" life erased, her whatever, and she can have that and forget about me, and i'll still be here... concerned.

Which is very unfair to others... And I deeply apologize for that. Believe me, its painful for me. I have a lot of affection I want to give. And I cant live for myself... It hurts too much...

Anyway, back to my solitude.

"remembering
you standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how i always held close in your fear"
The Cure - Pictures of You

(and I remember now that I dont have my Japan pictures on this computer, which would have probably made the search at least halfway worthwhile, other than finding Stereolab - Cybele's Reverie)